My brother and I have spent years exchanging the shortest reviews we can of films to each other. Here are the first 25 of a choice 100 of them for your viewing pleasure. Sorry, if we were mean to one of your favorites.
Tell me this dog does not get MAD play from the bitches at the dog park!
Either she is possessed by the devil or Andrew W.K., only a young priest would know.
2. The Exorcism of Emily Rose - A girl gets possesed by a demon, just once why can they not be possesed by Little Debbie and be cursed to make delicious, fattening snack cakes in the kitchen all the time, just for a change.
Who wants to fire his agent more, the duck, or Vin Diesel? [Answer: The duck]
3. The Pacifier - Babies suck on pacifiers and shit themselves. This movie does both of those things.
That smile on his face is just for you, baby.
4.Army of Darkness -What testosterone dreams about.
5. City of Angels - Nic Cage as an angel? Seriously, what's next Jim Carrey as God?
According to this poster Hugh Jackman spends the entire movie holding people very close. Why was I not in this? Why , God? Why?
6.Australia - Hugh Jackman cops a wallaboo and jinkies his yarbywall with Nicole Kidman and then traverstops his cummbulinga. This movie tries to be epic ,but in the end it goes a bit wullabaflonky in the karneekarna, as the Australians say.
Sexist Douchebags: Making your daughters objects since time began.
7.Fired Up! - Why is it that in movies when men dress as women people laugh and enjoy themselves, but when men dress as women in real life people commit hate crimes?
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This poster is scratch and sniff.
8. Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Expirience - Thanks to the miracle of 3D, it's as close as you will ever get to actually being in Kevin's chest hair without getting a restraining order.
Vapid Whores: Making your son's act like douchebags since time began.
10.Field of Dreams - It's a great movie, but by now the only actor more associated with a certain style of films other than Kevin Costner and Baseball has to be Jenna Jameson and porn.
11. Big Fat Liar - I watched this one night on TV, and if it had not been for Paul Giamatti I might have killed myself about the time that the non-lethal Home Alone pranks started, but I kept my hope alive that Giamatti would get his revenge by grabbing an axe and seriously harming the pets of these kids. This of course didn't happen ,but the thought of that kept me alive. Thanks Paul Giamatti.
12. The Shaggy Dog [2006] - The poster for this, if you have not seen it, looks like a dog cut Tim Allen's eyes out and switched them with his, this would have been a very awesome movie, but watching Tim Allen act like an animal is something I had to endure for years on Home Improvement and don't need to see anymore. Here's to Allen signing on to star in my movie "Woofer: The Dog That Mutilates Your Eye Sockets"
13. Monsters Inc. - Pixar is better than you, it's a better parent, a better husband/wife, a better everything, maybe if your life were directed by Pixar it wouldn't suck so much, maybe.
14. The Beach - Leonardo Di Caprio takes a trip to Thailand to bonk Tilda Swinton and hang on the beach and laugh at Robert Carlyle. Leo learns the hard way that you don't laugh at Robert Carlyle.
15. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie - Call me the destroyer of childhood, or maybe just cheated, because I never watched this til I was twenty ,but it's like watching fat ninja Muppets. Also, I still don't get why the rat knows martial arts. Are all New York City sewer rats masters of martial arts and if so then what are we doing about this?
16. Fred Clause - What the hell is Ludacris doing in this film? Rappers don't get to have Santa. You can't wade your way through acres of hot rap-ho poontang, and mansions and cars with gold rimmed ashtrays, and all the coke you can snort, and still expect to be on the good boy list. Your life IS the good boy list ,asshole.
18. The Bourne Ultimatum - The series ends, and so does one of the most under-rated trilogies of our times. Lets hope they make some prequels that are all about Jason Bourne before he was Jason Bourne that effectivley neuter all the story telling in these great films. You know ,like, he's a deli clerk and he does deli clerk stuff, and then he goes to Atlantic City for the weekend and hangs out with his Great Gam-Gam, and the whole time he knows who he is, then some people could walk by and say something like, "Hey, were you BORN yesterday or something,buddy?", and he could all be like "What?" and the music could be all ,like, "Whaa na nana" [very dramatic music], and then he goes back to being whatever he is before he's Jason Bourne.
19. Flubber [2000] - The name of this movie is also the sound I make while taking a shit. This is not a coincidence.
20. Freaky Friday [2006] - Jamie Lee Curtis. You minx, you've been hiding all this time. Come back again. You need to sort that Lohan girl out. Freaky Friday is now the code name for her average weekend.
21. High School Musical 3 - I tried singing and dancing once at my high school, I still have "Queer" tatooed on my forehead with No.2 pencil. Try dating Vanessa Hudgens like that and let me know how it works out.
The last thing Liam Neeson's daughter's prom date saw when he brought her home 5 minutes late.
22. Taken - This movie is Liam Neeson beating the everlasting shit out of French people. As a fan of both Neeson and beating French people I have to get behind this delightful piece of cinema. [You know I'm just playin Raoul, put that baguette down and give me a hug ,you crazy cheese eatin' bitch]
Much to the dismay of the rest of the cast, Judy Garland's fugly double was asked to be in the posters.
23. The Wizard of Oz - Why does the Tin Woodsman have ruby lipstick? More importantly, who hung a talking Scarecrow with feeling in their cornfield? And lastly what does the Cowardly Lion eat? On that last question, I'm calling Munchkins, you don't need courage to eat a midget.
Later ,when Andy forgot them, they ate the pig. He tasted of coins and past joys, both long since lost to memory.
24. Toy Story - Pixar is a master of the screen, though a look around the web could lead you to this films sister masterpiece, "Sex Toy Story" in which Woody and Buzz mean very different things than they do here.
If only Tim Burton had directed March of the Rocket-Propelled Penguins. *sigh*.
25. Batman Returns - This is not a Batman movie, it's a Tim Burton movie that accidentally has Batman in it.[Note: This review was actually said by Jeff Van Vickle and it made me snort Coca-Cola out my nose.]
Well, there is the end of part 1. Stay tuned for the next three parts and remember, if you don't have time to watch movies then you probably shouldn't have wasted all this time reading this. Sorry.
